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“How does Adult Substance Abuse affect Families?”

Although each family differs, there are some common qualities within families where an adult abuses alcohol or another substance.

These similarities include: the fact that life feels chaotic, people feel inconsistent, roles are unclear, rules are arbitrary, and change feels daunting.

There may also be relational conflict, repetitious and illogical thinking, and perhaps violence and various abuses including sexual, verbal, and physical.

The family is dominated by the co-existence of denial and substance use. The substance use becomes the major family secret, often denied inside the family as well as to outsiders. In an effort to hold the family together in the face of difficulties caused by the substance abuse, the family changes its strategies for coping and the beliefs it shares.

Claudia Black, a leading author and theorist regarding the impact of adult substance abuse on children, has written about several rules in alcoholic homes including, but not limited to, these:

  1. Don’t feel. Due to the constant pain of living with an adult substance user, a child must “quit feeling” in order to survive. After all, what’s the use of hurting all the time? In these families, when emotions are expressed, they are often abusive and are frequently prompted by drunkenness. These outbursts have no positive result and, along with the drinking, are usually denied the following day. Thus, children have had few if any opportunities to see emotions expressed appropriately, or used to foster constructive change. “So,” the child thinks, “why feel anything, when the feelings will only get out of control and won’t change anything anyway? I don’t want to hurt more than I already do.”
  2. Don’t talk. Children of adult substance users learn in their families not to talk about a huge part of their reality – the drinking or substance use. This results from the family’s need to deny that a problem exists and that drinking is tied to that problem. That which is so evident must not be spoken aloud. There is often an unspoken hope that, if no one mentions the drinking, it won’t happen again. There is also no good time to talk. It is impossible to talk when a parent is drunk; but when that parent is sober, everyone wants to forget. From this early training, the children often develop a tendency to not talk about anything unpleasant.
  3. Don’t trust. In alcoholic families, promises are often forgotten, celebrations cancelled and adults’ moods unpredictable. As a result, children learn not to count on others and often have a hard time believing that others can care enough to follow through on their commitments.

Each family member tends to find his or her own way to live with these rules. Claudia Black talks about different “roles” that emerge for children in their attempts to make sense of the chaos. You may identify with features of one or more of these roles, and some roles may look more effective than others, but each has its own drawbacks and its own implications.

: These responsible children try to ensure that the family looks “normal” to the rest of the world. In addition, they often project a personal image of achievement, competence, and responsibility to the outside world. They tend to be academically or professionally very successful. The cost of such success is often denial of their own feelings and a belief that they are “imposters.”

:These children learn never to expect or to plan anything, and tend to follow without question. They often strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat. As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are out of control.

:These “people pleaser” children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling, at the expense of their own feelings. They have a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, and often choose careers as helping professionals, which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.

: These children are “entertainers,” relying on their sense of humor to distract from or take away the family’s upset. They tend to have difficulty focusing and making decisions, and have a low tolerance for distress.

:These people are identified as the “family problem.” They are likely to get into various kinds of trouble, including drug and alcohol abuse, as a way of expressing their anger at the family. They also function as a sort of pressure valve; when tension builds in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave, allowing the family to avoid dealing with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of feelings other than anger.

Trying to forget the past without understanding how it affected you will usually not work, and may prolong its costs. Because you learned as a child to relate to others by following your family’s rules, you are likely to bring these same behaviors into your adult relationships, even if you do not think you will.

You may be surprised to find at college that you experience feelings of dissatisfaction, apathy, or distance from other people, similar to those feelings you felt at home. Furthermore, even if you “swore off” alcohol because your parent drinks, you may still begin abusing alcohol or other substances.

Additionally, you may repeat patterns of relating from your family of origin; you may have outbursts of emotion, or you may get involved with someone who is like the substance user in your life or with someone like your parent who was the co-dependent.

The best way to “move on” is to squarely face the past, its importance, and its meaning for you. Often this means understanding your parents and yourself, so that the healing process can begin. You can actively work to replace self-destructive behaviors with healthy behaviors.

Additional Resources on the Topic
        1. Beattie, Melody. 1992. Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (2nd edition). Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden Foundation.
        2. Beattie, Melody. 1989. Beyond Co-Dependency. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden Foundation.
        3. Black, Claudia. 2002. Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear (2nd edition). Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden Foundation.
        4. Black, Claudia. 2001. It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, Adults (2nd edition, revised). Bainbridge Island, WA: MAC Publishing.
        5. Lerner, Harriett Goldhor. 2001. The Dance of Anger. New York, NY: Quill Harper Collins.

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